Waking up on March 1st I instantly felt in my gut that something was very wrong with my body, but I wasn’t quite sure what it could be. I started thinking that this off feeling was just in my head and that I was overthinking something that wasn’t even real. I went on with my morning routine and even saw a client like nothing was wrong, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that was far from the truth. After my first client I gained the courage to talk to a friend who works in the medical field and shared with her that I feel like my body is experiencing a miscarriage.
You see, my husband and I had just found out that we were expecting our first child and we couldn’t have been more excited. Although we had only known for a few weeks, I felt myself getting excited to be welcoming a new addition to our family.
Going back to the events that took place on March 1st. There was a part of me that was thinking that I am being paranoid and I would be laughed at by medical professionals as there wouldn’t be anything wrong with me. However, I followed my intuition and went to the ER anyway and it was there that I knew it was no longer paranoia but a reality. After a few hours of testing and meeting with medical professionals it was confirmed that my body was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. Not only was my baby not in the proper place, but it was so severe that the doctor mentioned that if I didn’t come in that day my life could have been in major jeopardy. Before I could process what was happening I was being prepped and heading into surgery to remove the baby and my left fallopian tube (which was severely damaged).
What I thought was a silly and unnecessary trip to the ER ended up becoming an experience that will forever shape my life. As I was sent home that night to recover, I just kept thinking ‘did this really happen today?’ Not only was it impossible for me to wrap my head around the happenings of that day, but it was even harder for me to acknowledge that I was right about something being off that morning. I also found myself trying to comprehend that baby Brokas was not supposed to be delivered until October, yet that was no longer the case.
I found myself saying goodbye to someone that I never even had a chance to say hello to.
The next few days that followed I was in such physical pain that I didn’t have a chance to process the emotional and mental pain. That was until this past Saturday when it all started hitting me, I just lost a baby. I had a miscarriage and it was in a way that I had personally never even heard of. I lost our first baby, and there wasn’t anything that I could do to change that outcome. As someone who loves to plan and have a say so (aka a control freak) in their life this was one thing I had no say in and no control over. If I am being honest, I am still working on emotionally and mentally processing this past week.
I am definitely not in a place of complete healing, which may not happen in a long time. However, I am in a place of processing this loss and intentionally giving myself the grace to do so. Many women relate to this story, and for that I am so sorry. My heart is heavy for any woman reading this who can say, 'I know what you’re going through.’ As women there is so much pressure to create life, but little grace to grieve the lives that we lose. Miscarriage is something that nobody can prepare you for, but something that connects so many of us near and far. My hope is that anyone reading this will feel seen and feel heard and will find the grace to give themselves to navigate their personal season.
Until Next Time