Today I took my first pilates class, and I would love to say it was amazing and I killed it. However, that is not the case. I ended up panicking in pilates.
It wasn't a full blown freak out mode, but I felt myself starting to get really emotional, and wanting to cry in the middle of class. We were doing these leg lifts to the side with a band, and I pulled off my band as fast as I could (in the middle of these moves) because all of the sudden I felt like they were suffocating me (even though it was around my knees). I had never done a workout at this studio where I have ever felt like I couldn't do it, or that I wanted to curl up and just die.
Here's the thing, I enjoy working out and challenging myself. I enjoy feeling the pain because I know that I am pushing my body to be better and stronger. So this wasn't just an oh its hard and I want to quit thing.
So what happened? Why did I Panic in Pilates?
Here is what I think may have contributed:
1. Competitive Nature Growing up as an athlete I was always competing the be the best. I wanted to prove to myself that I was a good enough runner, and that I was worth watching. I have always been good at picking up active things and at least faking my way to make it look like I know what I was doing. This was the first time that I took a class that I physically couldn't do a move, or that it pained me so much that I couldn't complete it like those around me. I had started competing with myself and the other ladies (even though they had no idea) and I wasn't winning. I wasn't the best, and I wasn't able to fake it to where I look like I knew what I was doing. So my competitive nature started rearing its ugly head and then my emotions started getting increasingly intense.
2. Emotionally Frustrated
So then I found myself emotionally frustrated and feeling overwhelmed. I was so overwhelmed with emotion that I had to close my eyes to stop myself from crying with frustration. However, as soon as I got in my car you better believe I lost it. I was upset, no actually more like enraged, with myself that I couldn't do some of the moves in that class. The instructor was so sweet and encouraging, but I was so frustrated with myself that I kept refusing her kind words. She would say that I did well and I immediately would come back with 'no I didn't, no I didn't.' With my emotions so high and intense, I wasn't able to rationalize the reality of the situation. I knew that my emotions were affecting my mentality.
3. Mentally Messy
I started beating myself up mentally and telling myself things like, 'your not good enough,' and 'look at yourself in that mirror, you're disgusting and you shouldn't even be here.' Now let me reiterate I HAVE NEVER FELT LIKE THIS COMING TO THIS STUDIO, BECAUSE IT IS SUCH AN EMPOWERING AND ENGAGING AND KIND PLACE TO BE. However, today I was allowing myself to mentally beat myself up and say some horrible things. Even as I am writing this, I can't believe what kind of harsh things I said to myself, because I would never say anything like that to my worst enemy.
So why am I sharing this?
I want you to know as someone who works in the mental health field, and is passionate about helping others, I am still a working progress myself. I struggle in certain areas, and the mental game in working out is one of those areas. I didn't allow myself grace like I teach others, I didn't take a couple deep breaths like I show others, and I didn't stop my negative train from going down the tracks like I help others do.
I want this to be a real, and at times vulnerable,
blog to let you know your NOT alone and YOUR NOT CRAZY! We all struggle, despite what is shown on media and t.v.
So what now.....
I have ACKNOWLEDGED the Moment
I have EMBRACED the Moment
I now get to MOVE ON from the Moment
Until Next Time